If the idea of “selling yourself” makes you cringe, you’re not alone.
In this blog, Thresholds facilitator Emma Ryan challenges the notion that we need to pitch ourselves like products to succeed. Instead, Emma offers a fresh perspective on how to talk about your skills and achievements with honesty, specificity, and authenticity. This thought-provoking read is packed with insights, practical advice, and a compassionate approach to building confidence.
I hate selling myself
To what extent do you resonate with that statement? You might be thinking Amen sister, it’s the worst. Or, no way, I love talking about myself! Take a step back. Take in the words: Selling. Myself. How do you resonate with the words?
I hear the statement all. of. the. time. It’s become woven into how we talk about building confidence for applications, interviews and generally talking about ourselves positively. “You need to sell yourself more”. Well, I very strongly disagree.
I empathise with the sentiment. I’ve heard many women, let’s call this one Jaya, say “I’m quite knowledgeable about X”. Jaya’s colleague supportively jumps in and says “Jaya, you’ve been working in this area for 20 years, you’re really well respected and have just implemented a change nobody thought was possible… you’re not QUITE knowledgeable, you’re flippin’ brilliant and much needed in this area of work – you need to sell yourself more!”
I agree with the sentiment. I’ve worked with thousands of women, 1:1 and in groups and witnessed so many minimise themselves when they’re describing who they are and what they bring. But do these women need to sell themselves? Does anybody need to sell themselves? I think not.
We are not products
Words matter. They describe how we individually and collectively think and feel about things. They shape and describe our beliefs. Very explicitly, the phrase equates talking about ourselves positively, with being on a shelf and trying to convince somebody (please) to buy/like us. If we don’t get the job, if we didn’t ‘sell ourselves’, maybe we’re just not desirable enough?
Here I was going to launch into a smash the patriarchy piece about how this is a women’s issue. We are conditioned to think we need to be desirable and… I checked in (very unscientifically) with 10 male friends and most of them (happily or not) use the phrase too. Stand down.
Selling things generally involves BS
You’ve seen the advert. A couple laughing as they drive high speed along beautiful winding mountain roads, wind in their hair, love in their hearts, freedom in their souls… If only I could have that car, I’d have it all. It’s BS. We all know it is. And it works. On some (un)conscious level, it makes us want the car, the phone, the pants.... Generally, we’re exposed to a truth that to sell things they need to be made to seem much better than they are, the audience need to be convinced; to beat the competition requires BS.
You see where I’m going. When I hear people use the phrase “I hate selling myself”, I see discomfort at the idea of having to go beyond what is true, to convince, to BS a bit to beat the ‘competition’. “If you employ me, you’ll have the wind in your hair, love in your heart and freedom in your soul”.
There’s another way
Let’s go back to Jaya. She says she’s quite knowledgeable about X. That’s not true. We’ve heard she’s smashing it. So, what would it look like for Jaya to say she’s smashing it. Honestly and authentically. She doesn’t need to bolshily walk into a room, assertively shake the manager’s hand and say “Hi, I’m Jaya and I’m the best”.
Imagine the impact if Jaya said “I’ve been working in this area for 20 years which means I have an in-depth knowledge on this subject area. I understand the complexities and nuances and have built a network of colleagues across the country who respect and trust me. Because of this, I recently implemented a positive change nobody thought possible. These are some of the skills and attributes I’d bring to this role”.
It's honest. And it’s specific. Jaya is telling us why and how she’s knowledgeable and the impact she has. She’s painting a picture that helps us understand who Jaya is, what she’s about and how she works. This is the opposite of BS. Jaya is authentically taking up space.
Don’t sell yourself. Be honest and be specific
I see people getting really stuck giving the specifics. It feels uncomfortable. But if we don’t get specific, all we’ve got is either caveated uninspiring statements like ‘I’m quite organised’ or selling ourselves ‘I’m the best organiser history has seen’. Both untrue. But tell us about your organisation style, the impact it has, what people respect and enjoy about it, what you love about being organised. Then, you’re not selling yourself. You’re simply telling the truth.
So, I offer you this. Instead of thinking you need to get better at selling yourself, what about working on being honest (Vs underselling) and specific (Vs vague) when you describe who you are and what you bring? Check in. How does it feel different?
To take this further
Write a positive sentence about yourself. An attribute, value, or approach you’re proud of e.g. I really care about how people are supported.
Are you being honest? Or are you downplaying or not capturing it correctly? Edit accordingly.
e.g. I prioritise how people are supported in my team, which leads us to being one of the highest functioning teams in the organisation.
Are you being specific? Add detail; is it describing you at your best, why this is important to you, why it’s important for others, how you use this attribute, value or approach in your work. Describe it.
e.g. I do this by being a very deep listener – I listen to how people are doing, what their development priorities are, what they need. I then use this to allocate work to them, based on our and their priorities. I am open about my decision making so I can bring people with me.
If this blog resonates with you and you’d like to dive deeper into building your confidence and articulating your strengths authentically, join us for our Succeeding at Interviews two-day workshop for women. For more details, hit the button below.
About the Author
Emma Ryan is a coach and Thresholds facilitator. Emma’s work supports people to walk in their integrity: being true to who they really are, across all areas of their lives - as a leader, as a parent, and as a human on this beautiful planet in uncertain times.
“I do this work because I imagine how different the world would be if it were inhabited and led by people who understood who they truly are, with deep, meaningful loving relationships, living in connection with Earth”.
Find out more at www.riserooted.co.uk or LinkedIn
www.linkedin.com/in/emma-ryan-54a340136
